here's to you:

Your thoughts and love and good wishes and cyber hugs have made my heart feel so happy today. I sat down at my computer tonight and read through all of your messages and e-mails and had a good cry. I am still feeling a little soggy. But I certainly don't feel forgotten. Thank you all very much.
I am not very good at claiming my crappy feelings because I have made this ridiculous assumption that the world will only like me if I am happy. Thank you for your support and love and helping me to realize that my whole package is what makes me, well, me. Fruit loops and all.

empty

I have had a perfectly awful day today. I really hate reading some one's blog when all they do is complain, so if you're not in the mood skip this one... but I guess that's kind of what I need to do today. It might be PMS. It might be early menopause. It might just be my life as it is today...
I am a teacher and a mom and a wife and a daughter and a friend and a niece and a neighbor and....
I am so tired of being "happy" when I feel so empty. Today, all I want is someone to notice me and see that I am drowning in all of this emptiness.
I want my husband to look at me. I want my children to listen and respond. I want the students to be fed and ready to learn. I want them to be kind to each other. I want them to be kind to me. I want my mother to scoop me up and hold me like I hold my daughters. I want my friends to reach out to me and notice my pain and listen when I hurt. I want to let my vines grow over the fence and listen while my neighbor thanks me for adding something beautiful to this world. I want the dog to get off of the bed so I can stretch out my legs. I want a complete stranger to tell me that I am beautiful. I want my daughters to tell me that I am beautiful. I want my husband to tell me I am beautiful and really mean it. I want to believe what all of those people tell me. I want what I don't have. I don't want what I do have. I want my parents to quit the lessons for the day. I want to hear less of what I "should" do or what I "could" do. I want to hear more of "that was just great." I want things to be easy. I want to have the energy to do the things that are hard. I want my bedroom to be painted and the laundry to be done and the bathroom to be cleaned and the windows to be washed and the children to be happy and the dog to be fed and the husband to be wealthy and the mortgage to be paid and the grass to be mowed and the fridge to be clean and the stairs to be swept and the basement to be clean and the flowers to bloom forever. and I want to be happy.
But I am a great actor. I always have been. It's what sets me apart from everyone else. And I will continue to act like I have it all together and I will reach out to those in need and I will ask for forgiveness when my vine is overgrown and I will comfort the students and feed the students and teach the students and I will be nice to everyone I see and I will listen to my children when they demand that I hear them and I will tuck up my legs so the big dog has room on the comfy bed and I will pretend that I feel beautiful and I will quit asking my husband if I am beautiful and I will pretend not to notice when nobody sees me and I will pretend not to care when nobody hears me and I will laugh at the jokes that I've heard too many times and I will listen to the lessons because I know that they are all just trying to help and I will act like I don't care if someone else ate the leftovers in the fridge that I wanted to eat even thought I hate leftovers, but this one time I really wanted what was once mine and I will swell up with nothing, growing more numb every day until it is winter and I can wrap myself in sweaters and scarves and coats and hats and then no one will really see the then. and no one will see the pain and the emptiness. And I won't tell them. I will laugh and smile with my pretty face. And everyone will love me. And life will go on. And I will care for everyone else in my life and I will be. Empty.
And tomorrow will be tomorrow. Maybe it will be different. Maybe not.
It is possible that I may not feel this way. Or maybe I will. But I know that I will be greeted with kisses and hugs from the kids and the husband and the dog and the persistent cat and the children and the friends and the sun will rise and take my breath away again and the problems will melt and the big ones will be survived and life will go on.

the great minnesota get together

Yesterday, we went to the Minnesota State Fair. The day itself could not have been more perfect. Sunshine and 75 - perfect by Minnesota standards. We walked and walked and walked and laughed a lot and no one was in a hurry and we drank a lot of lemonade.


The best think that happened all day was in the Miracle of Birth Barn. We arrived just in time to watch a momma cow give birth to a calf, in all it's gooey, sticky, heart-wrenching, breath-holding splendor. The whole thing was broadcast throughout the barn on closed circuit tv. A very calm vet narrated the whole thing. I was amazed. The girls were amazed. Daddyman was mildly amused. We all bought t-shirts. It was a stunning event to be a part of in the middle of the fair in the middle of the city.


Then, of course, we ate ourselves silly. It was a good day. We returned home tired and dusty and happy.

dangerous

Last weekend we went into the suburbs. The very scary suburbs. So frightening, in fact, that we had to guard our children against the dangers. We made them wear their bike helmets. And while sitting on the lawn may seem danger-free, who knows what can happen in the wilds of suburbia? My dear, sweet feeble-minded auntie is obviously taking her life into her own hands be throwing caution to the wind and sitting on the lawn with out her helmet. Doesn't she know that she needs to protect herself? She is in the SUBURBS for goodness sake! ACK! I am running in circles frantically waving my hands over my head and shouting nonsense words - Save the Auntie. Save the children.

and then she said...

OK. I know that vacation is OVER, but I wanted to share a really easy (& time consuming) craft project that we did at the cabin: Clothes Pin Fairies
I purchased a bag of flat sided, wooden clothes pins at the local Ben Franklin store. I also bought a fat quarter of fabric that looked like the forest - sort of... and pipe cleaners.
Then, when I got home, I told the little girls that we were going to make "woodland fairies!" Oh, boy. What is it about girls and fairies? We colored faces and hair first - you might want to use permanent markers. We used washable markers because Yaya is drawn to creating body tattoos the moment a marker is placed in her wee little hand. Unfortunately, the fairies were left in the garden and the trees overnight and the rain made their features a little mushy.
I, luckily, have an uncanny ability to lie convincingly when put on the spot: "Ahna, look at our fairies. They are ruined." (Lips quiver, eyes begin to fill with tears.)
"Oh, no, honey. They are not ruined. They are just working so hard on becoming REAL fairies that they get a little blurry for awhile. We'll have to look for them when we return next summer and see what they are really going to look like."
(I am pretty sure that I am going to hell for lies like this. But it made them so happy to think about their creations becoming real fairies...)
Any way - color the hair and eyes first. Then, cut our a skirt and snip a little opening for the skirt. A small opening means that the skirt will stay on the clothes pin w/o glue or stitching. Then, create wings and arms from the pipe cleaners.
The fun isn't over there - oh no. The 5 bestcousinfriends spent HOURS playing with these fairies. They made new clothes for them. They made houses for them in the trees and gardens (Sorry, Oma.) They created adventures for the fairies that took them all over the place... many quiet read-a magazine-without-being-interrupted hours of imaginative fun and creative, cooperative play. All 5 cousins from 2 and a half years old to 8 and a half years old even played together. That was the best $5.41 I have ever spent.

good bye bridge

Today, after packing suit cases for 7 people and cleaning two cabins and taking 7 people out on the lake for several hours in a borrowed boat and making "good bye pancakes" for the whole compound and replacing dog track divots in the precious green lawn and disassembling a "pop-up" tent and pushing "just one more time" on the swing for all 5 bestcousinfriends and deflating all 15 inflatable beach toys, Wonder Uncle and I loaded the Suburban Gold Honda Oddessy mini-van. We strapped each child into their safety seat, settled the black lab into his tiny space under the feet of the 2 year old and left behind the comforting embrace of the cabin and the lake and the loons and Oma and Papa.
With all 5 bestcousinfriends shouting, "Good bye, Papa! Good bye, Oma!" we began the long migration back to civilization.
Everything that we passed got a vigorous and prolonged "good bye."
"Good bye neighbor's house with the lady who makes good homemade strawberry jam and white bread that she gives us us eat while we swing on her swing set."
"Good bye merry-go-round that the quiet old guy in the hat and suspenders oils all of the time so that we can go really fast."
"Good bye sandy beach with the really good digger truck and the teeter totter that Esme keeps falling off of and the fire at the Fourth of July and the turtle under the dock as big as a large pizza and the weeds that Shadow buries his duck in - under water."
"Good bye long dirt road to the bridge that we walked on with Oma every morning and picked wild flowers and sang silly made-up songs at the top of our lungs and saw 3 deer crossing and heard the wind in the trees that sounded like the ocean."
"Good bye bridge, see you next summer."

real-simple-mom-ness

Tonight, I visited a blog that I really enjoy reading (Mollycoddle.typepad.com) and she had just written about reading the same magazine that I had just finished - weird! She went ahead and created her own version of this article, and I thought it sounded like a lot of fun. Go ahead. Give it a shot. Let me know where I can find you, and I will read all about you, too.


NAME: Ahna AGE: 41 HOMETOWN: st. paul

OCCUPATION: full-time mom and wife, teacher, actor, writer


THE LAST TIME MY CHILDREN MADE ME LAUGH: My girls make me laugh on a daily basis - we laugh together alot. It's something that I really cherish in our family. Last night we had dinner with family friends from my childhood. My parents were good pals with my classmates parents - so it was a big shindig. My classmates father is an older gentleman who I still cannot call by his first name. I must call him "Dr. Gallagher." (That is, after all, his name... luckily.) Dr. Gallagher has a 4 wheeler that he uses for chores around their lake property, but this evening he gave my three girls and their 2 cousins rides in the woods for hours. He was kind and good natured, and the girls loved him. On the way home from the Bar-B-Que, my middle daughter was describing the evening. She was taken with Dr. Gallagher, describing him as "a magical little man."

THE LAST TIME I MADE MY CHILDREN LAUGH: Tonight after dinner at the cabin, sitting on the steps to the dock... telling stories about Loons (the birds, not our family)

WHEN I NEED TO GET DINNER ON THE TABLE IN A HURRY: oh baby, we hit the cereal cupboard in a big way! or scramble up some eggs. Or , if we're lucky - maybe, just maybe pancakes... breakfast for dinner, it's the only thing I can think of under the stress of hungry children.

I CARVE OUT TIME FOR MYSELF: This is still really hard for me to do. I feel so guilty going to work, that when we have time together as a family, I will take it and sacrifice the "me" time.

THE LAST BOOK I READ TO MY CHILDREN: Tonight before bedtime I read "Oh, David" by David Shannon to our youngest daughter. I also read a couple of chapters from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to the whole gang. I am not as good about reading to our girls as my husband is. When he is home, it's "Daddy, read to me." He almost always says, "yes." It could be to get out of doing other house stuff, but that's OK.

I REALIZED THAT I HAD TURNED INTO MY MOTHER WHEN....: I insisted on cleaning the house BEFORE the cleaning service came to help clean our house one week after our second daughter was born. Coincidentally, I had just had my second c-section. Good grief! Who cares what a complete stranger thinks of my housekeeping skills?! I am paying her to clean it!

THE INVENTION I WOULD CREATE TO MAKE MY LIFE EASIER: an instant food/beverage maker - like the one on Star Trek: "Earl Gray. Hot." Each child would get exactly what they wanted to eat for each meal - no more weeping and whining. Everything would be hot and ready at exactly the time that we are, and I could have a glass of wine - Fat Bastard. Chilled.

WHAT SUPRISES ME THE MOST ABOUT BEING A PARENT: That I can love each child as much and as differently as I do. I don't know what I thought would happen when we had more than one child... someone put it perfectly, when your second child is born, you don't devide your love - you double it. Amazing!

FAVORITE OUTDOOR ACTIVITY TO DO WITH MY CHILDREN: We go on "bubble gum walks." Each kid gets a piece of gum to chew. When we find something interesting on the walk, we tear off a small piece of gum and attach the new treasure (ie, moss, a leaf, a cicada shell) to the piece of cereal box cardboard that we brought with us. When the gum is gone, it's time to go home and check out our new discoveries. I also love to make sidewalk chalk art. I guess it makes me think of Mary Poppins and jumping into the chalk paintings...

THE MOST FUN THING ABOUT BEING A MOM: Theme days. To keep things interesting in our house, and chase all of the crabby monsters away, we have theme days. In Feb, we crank the heat, move the furniture to the side of the room, put on our bathing suits and have "Beach Day." Many times a month, we have an "Opera Day" On this day, we can only sing our words to communicate with our family. It doesn't matter where we are going or what we are doing, we must sing. It's really hard to be mad at someone when you are singing to them: "Don't hit your sister. Here's a tissue, please blow your nose. No. You can not have another candybar before lunch time." It creates a few curious looks in the grocery store or at Target, but it's worth it. Everyone in our family loves it and we have such good stories to talk about at bedtime.

I HOPE THAT MY KIDS INHERIT: My positive outlook on life - a sense of joy and wonder. The love of good music and theater. My husband's quick wit and sense of humor.

THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I WANT OUR CHILDREN TO LEARN ABOUT LIFE IS: Life is so wonderful. This life is a gift from God. Use that gift well. We are each given different talents and abilities. Celebrate yourself and your gifts, don't waste time comparing yourself to anyone. Laugh often. Sing loudly. Be kind to others. Watch out for yourself and each other. Know that your mom and dad really really really love you and we always will, no matter what you do or say because that's the Mom-and-Dad Rule.


******************
some more questions from the magazine that I didn't take the time to answer:
before I turn off the lights at bedtime, I say to my children:
the most noticeable way parenting has changed me:
favorite tradition I share with my children:
three things my children have taught me are:
the hardest thing about being a mom:
I carve out time for myself by:
when I have 30 minutes to myself I:
when I was a kid, I said, "When I'm a parent, I will never..."
the television mom I'm most like:
one thing I wish I had known about parenting before I became a parent: