Wednesday, February 13, 2008

high priestess

As I prepare to fly to California, I find that I am feeling a whole lot of anxiety. To start with, I am not the greatest flier. My imagination, it turns out, when not doing good actually does evil.

I will be traveling alone with my youngest daughter. Not a super big deal. She's pretty easy going, but the plane doesn't actually leave until an hour and a half after her bed time.

I am anxious about my weight and eating habits when on vacation. (I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am feeling physically shaky about this whole thing. I should probably have asked to up my anxiety meds... oops!) I have concern because everyone knows that I have been dieting and changing my life style and eating habits. I have concern because I will be seeing my mother - and frankly, my weight has been her favorite cause to champion since I hit puberty.

I needn't be worried, I know. My imagination is overactive. I will order a glass of wine on the plane. Yaya will be a great traveling companion. My family has loved me fat, they will love me now, too. My children and my husband will be fine without me - the house may be a mess, but they will be fine.

As I've been thinking about my weight and all that is surrounded by that, my over active imagination has created this, just for you:

I was the High Priestess of Obesity.
I was a card carrying member of the Cult of Sloth and Gluttony.
I dutifully created tedious recipes of fat and random "edible chemicals" that I would mindlessly eat on my knees at the alter of broadcast TV.
Every day, every hour, every minute that I shunned exercise, I was showing my devotion to this cult.
I was brain washed.
I was mindless - a sheep standing in line to ingest the lies and promises of a multi-million dollar food business.
I made no choices on my own - I followed the smiling faces of fat, happy people over the cliff of health into the abyss of obessity.
Will I need a twelve step program to free myself from the clutches of this cult?
Will I be capable of relinquishing my banner and throne as High Priestess of Obestiy?
Will I need to find a new god to worship?

I don't know.

I am still tempted to return for Saturday Night Services. I know a few temples that I can enter, undetected. Where - for a few dollars and few years of self-confidence, I can eat again the forbidden false foods.

I am tempted, when faced with uncertainty, to don the thick, protective robes of The High Priestess of Obesity. It is a safe place to hide - from others expectations and from my own dreams.

NO

I have turned away from the National Cult of Obesity.
I have turned away from it's lies and falsehoods.
I am walking and running and jumping with the lightness I feel after learning the truth that my very own body has shown me.

I will not hide. I will not worship at the all-night alter. I will be free of this fat suit that others see so I can find the clarity and honesty that I seek.

12 comments:

kalurah said...

That is a beautiful self-realization, Ahna.
All that matters is your happiness. I am sure your immediate family is supporting you because I see what a kind, beautiful person you are, and who can resist that!?
I wish you all the happiness and all the strength you need to face any fears that you have.
You should still enjoy yourself on your trip.
Take your daughter out each morning to watch the sunrise and go for a light stroll as you talk. You will keep your heartrate up and you'll also be able to bond with your girl.(both are good for the heart!)
The rest of the time enjoy yourself. If eating a nice treat or hardy meal is what brings you current joy, indulge yourself.
You deserve your happiness. Try not to feel too guilty if something brings you joy.
I'll be thinking of you. :)

The Rotten Correspondent said...

That was terrific. Very well put.

You'll be fine. Don't psych yourself out, but don't put too much pressure on yourself either. Nothing that happens on this trip is long run stuff. Leave the guilt at home and just try to enjoy yourself.

Can't wait to hear about the trip.

by Johanna Brandvik said...

Amen!
We are all waiting for you here with loving arms...

Rose said...

I wish you the best. I know that you didn't want to be a role model for weight issues, but I've really been thinking about why I'm not happy with who I look like now and how it's starting to affect my life but more importantly trying to figure out when I lost my belief that I could do something about it. And you are helping this process, so thank you. Have fun on your trip!

Shandy said...

A beautiful prayer/mantra. I hope your trip goes smoothly and you find nothing but love and encouragement at the other end of the plane ride.

hiccupp said...

oh its hard isn't it? I'm with you on both, planes (and anxiety...) and the weight loss/old habits 'can I do it?' battle.

I mean I've done it, but can I really push the "old" out of my life for good? I'm trying :)

Just remember, its a vacation (83 degrees? I can almost remember what that's like...heck even 38 would get my heart pumping right now!) Lounge with family, enjoy the time together, and don't be afraid to stick to your guns....or to have a few treats either ;)

Eat well when you can, keeping in mind there may be times you just CAN'T. And its ok. Its not permanent, its nothing you can't undo in the next week.

EN-JOY the trip!! :) (enjoy the SUN! and not having to scrape your car, or shovel your sidewalk for the mailman!) ;)

Have a lovely time :)

Patti said...

i'm right there cheering you on...in whatever you find to do. may you find the strength to do what your soul desires.

Angela WD said...

I love your declaration. How freeing! I'm glad that you're not letting your weight dictate your life, either. Have a wonderful vacation.

christopher said...

Well, look who I found.

Glad to see you doing well. Your girls are gorgeous.

CC

Damama T said...

THAT IS AMAZING!

Hi. I jumped over here via Angelawd's page link. I've been fighting the fight for too many years to remember. I've read and heard almost everything there is to read and hear about how to do it the "right way." I SO understand what you are saying in your piece.

And about the family thing - and the anxiety: May I suggest that you be your own mother and tell your child how to handle the bullies? I'm going through something right now where I'm having to do that same thing. It is helping.

I have to run now, but I'll definitely be back when I have more time. TTFN

Annie said...

I'm printing this out and taping it to my treadmill.

Bethany said...

HEY! How was the trip??!