Tuesday, November 6, 2007

a complete guide to singin' the blues

My Dad sent this to me. Maybe you've seen it. Maybe not. Made me laugh out loud. Thought I'd share it with you. Hope you like it, too.

A BLUES PRIMER


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, "sort of":
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch... Ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.

8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.

9. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

10. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's.
b. Gallery openings.
c. Ivy League institutions.
d. Golf courses.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old guy - and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You're older than dirt.
b. You're blind.
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. You have all your teeth.
b. You were once blind but now can see.
c. The man in Memphis lived.
d. You have a 401K or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine.
b. Whiskey or bourbon.
c. Muddy water.
d. Black coffee.

The following are not Blues beverages:
a. Perrier.
b. Chardonnay.
c. Snapple.
d. Slim Fast.

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Alma.
b. Big Mama.
c. Bessie.
d. Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe.
b. Willie.
c. Little Willie.
d. Big Willie.

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name starter kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Ugly, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

I'd love to see what kind of blues you all come up with out there in Blog-Land. Of course, that's breaking a few of the Blues Rules... But aren't the blues all about broken rules anyway?

5 comments:

Bethany said...

I'll be first to break the rules. Shocking, I know. But, here goes:

LAzy pear McKinley

Heehee. That's funny. I would prefer to be addressed by that name from now on. Thank you. That will be all.

P.S. That was FABULOUS! I love your Dad. He is cooler than he lets on. Tell him so.

by Johanna Brandvik said...

Funny...because it's just funny. Also funny because I know it came from the Papa.

Angela WD said...

Oh my. I'm laughing so hard. A good Chicago girl like me got the blues, no matter how big my PC is.

Fat River Dumpling? Oh my. My.

Veronica Mitchell said...

Loved this. And not just because it made me think of that scene from Adventures in Babysitting.

The G-Ma said...

Found your blog referenced by Veronica Mitchel. I still haven't cleaned up completely from Thursday; instead, signed on for my daily bloggish vitamins. Read your dad's blues advice and am still laughing. I sent it on to my family and friends and know they will laugh out loud too.

Haven't watched The Littles, but may if they're still on TV. Too funny!