Friday, January 2, 2009

some times, motherhood sucks

OK. So I am ignoring my children. Isn't it time that they started to pay a little attention to me? I mean, really. Do they have any idea who has been feeding them and clothing them for these many years? Is it too much to ask?

I am so getting mine when I am old and infirm. I am going to live with all of them for an extended time. I might even to threaten to die in their home if they don't love me. I will pout until I get my way. I will only eat the food that I want - causing them to make several different meals at one time. Then, when the cooking has ceased, I won't touch any of it.

I will have favorite clothing that I demand to wear on a daily basis, then, on a whim, I will only wear my bathing suit and rain boots with sparkly fairy wings. See how much they like that when they have to take me to the grocery story. In Feb. Boy, I can't wait to hear what they say to the lady behind them in line. Then, when I don't get the balloon that I want, I will throw a holy fit! I might even throw myself to the floor and flail about while screaming something like, "I'm not your REAL mother."

Oh, and bedtime. Just wait until it's bedtime. I will not sleep! I will demand that my children lay down with ME until I am asleep. And they cant just sit in my room, they must lay down next to me so that I can wrap my cold feet with long, scratchy toe nails around their thighs. Then, just for shits and giggles, I am going to join each daughter and her spouse in bed around 3 or 4 in the morning. Of course, I will demand that I sleep only with my daughter, sending the spouse to my now very wet - Oops! - bed to sleep for the remainder of the night.

I won't do anything they ask me to do. I won't listen when I am being spoken to. I will ignore direct requests for EVERYTHING! I will randomly take things out of drawers and scatter them boldly throughout the house. I will drop car keys into the toilet and wedding rings into the Dispoz-All.

But I will be cute, and their friends will find me charming, and they will feel incredible guilt for wanting things to change!

Ha. They'll get theirs in due time.


Patti said...

i will join you. but i may need to borrow your wings...

h. said...

That. Is a beautiful post. I LOVE it. I might make a sampler of it and hang it on my living room wall. I think you could make that into a book (along the lines of When I am old, I will wear Purple). The cover photo of yourself in your grocery buying bathing suit, wings, and rain boot ensemble will cause mothers everywhere to line up to buy autographed copies.

My only question is why wait? Why not start now? I have, in moments of extreme stress, threatened my children with throwing a fit in public (as in "Okay, you are going to stop bickering right now, or I am going to throw myself on the floor and begin to cry, whine, and scream. Really."), and have found some success with it. I'll let you know when my children call my bluff, and what I do from there.

hugs and semi-hysterical laughter,

Angela Williams Duea said...

EXACTLY! Just wait to see how much fun you'll have acting like your teenage kids!

Ahnalog said...

Bahahahah!! YOU are hilarious and awesome! :)