Tuesday, January 8, 2008

hang on to your hats, it's going to be a bumpy ride

Today, I bought a pair of gorgeous shoes. Nikes. The first pair of athletic shoes that I have purchased - for myself - in at least 10 years.
Today, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in almost 7 years.
Today, I worked out at my new gym - it's a girls only sort of place.
Today, I purchased a bus pass to ride the city bus - which I will have to walk several blocks to ride.
Today, I went to the doctor and had an entire physical. Blood work, the whole deal - and I am really fucking healthy. Except that I am fat. No, not just fat. Morbidly Obese.

Today, I decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!

I am not telling you this so you will stand up an cheer (Even though history shows that I really love an audience!)
I am not telling you this so that you will ask me "how's it going" with strangely chipper voices and forced smiles.
I am not telling you this so that you will offer advice or pity or sympathy or understanding.

I am telling you this because I am done lying to myself!
And I am done lying to you.

I feel like a skinny girl. I feel like a pretty girl. I look like a fat girl, and that does not make me happy.
But most importantly, I am afraid that if I don't do something RIGHT NOW, I am going to die.
And I really don't want to die.

I will canoe, ski, hike, dance, play with my children for more than 5 minutes without sweating like a pig.
I will run a half marathon within the next year.
I will loose between 70 and 80 pounds so that I fall into the healthy weight range for my height, gender and age
I will bring my BMI down to a healthy range of 20 -30.
I will walk by a window and know that I look GREAT.

And, I will be around to watch my children grow into adults. Healthy, happy, confident women.

All I ask of you is this:
Don't offer forgiveness for mistakes.
Don't offer suggestions or sympathy.
Don't lie to me or tell me that "no one really thinks of you as fat."

DO ask me to go for a walk. A climb. A bike ride. A run. And hold my ass to the fire when I try to find a reason not to go...
Cheer me on when I am almost to the finish line.
And most importantly, Please remember this:
I just want you to be my friend!