Thursday, August 30, 2007

empty


I have had a perfectly awful day today. I really hate reading some one's blog when all they do is complain, so if you're not in the mood skip this one... but I guess that's kind of what I need to do today. It might be PMS. It might be early menopause. It might just be my life as it is today...
I am a teacher and a mom and a wife and a daughter and a friend and a niece and a neighbor and....
I am so tired of being "happy" when I feel so empty. Today, all I want is someone to notice me and see that I am drowning in all of this emptiness.
I want my husband to look at me. I want my children to listen and respond. I want the students to be fed and ready to learn. I want them to be kind to each other. I want them to be kind to me. I want my mother to scoop me up and hold me like I hold my daughters. I want my friends to reach out to me and notice my pain and listen when I hurt. I want to let my vines grow over the fence and listen while my neighbor thanks me for adding something beautiful to this world. I want the dog to get off of the bed so I can stretch out my legs. I want a complete stranger to tell me that I am beautiful. I want my daughters to tell me that I am beautiful. I want my husband to tell me I am beautiful and really mean it. I want to believe what all of those people tell me. I want what I don't have. I don't want what I do have. I want my parents to quit the lessons for the day. I want to hear less of what I "should" do or what I "could" do. I want to hear more of "that was just great." I want things to be easy. I want to have the energy to do the things that are hard. I want my bedroom to be painted and the laundry to be done and the bathroom to be cleaned and the windows to be washed and the children to be happy and the dog to be fed and the husband to be wealthy and the mortgage to be paid and the grass to be mowed and the fridge to be clean and the stairs to be swept and the basement to be clean and the flowers to bloom forever. and I want to be happy.
But I am a great actor. I always have been. It's what sets me apart from everyone else. And I will continue to act like I have it all together and I will reach out to those in need and I will ask for forgiveness when my vine is overgrown and I will comfort the students and feed the students and teach the students and I will be nice to everyone I see and I will listen to my children when they demand that I hear them and I will tuck up my legs so the big dog has room on the comfy bed and I will pretend that I feel beautiful and I will quit asking my husband if I am beautiful and I will pretend not to notice when nobody sees me and I will pretend not to care when nobody hears me and I will laugh at the jokes that I've heard too many times and I will listen to the lessons because I know that they are all just trying to help and I will act like I don't care if someone else ate the leftovers in the fridge that I wanted to eat even thought I hate leftovers, but this one time I really wanted what was once mine and I will swell up with nothing, growing more numb every day until it is winter and I can wrap myself in sweaters and scarves and coats and hats and then no one will really see the then. and no one will see the pain and the emptiness. And I won't tell them. I will laugh and smile with my pretty face. And everyone will love me. And life will go on. And I will care for everyone else in my life and I will be. Empty.
And tomorrow will be tomorrow. Maybe it will be different. Maybe not.
It is possible that I may not feel this way. Or maybe I will. But I know that I will be greeted with kisses and hugs from the kids and the husband and the dog and the persistent cat and the children and the friends and the sun will rise and take my breath away again and the problems will melt and the big ones will be survived and life will go on.

8 comments:

Sew Succulent said...

oh, Ahna!! something must be going around, because I have had nearly the exact same conversation with myself all week. It's such a sad, lonely place to feel so empty and depleted. I finally sat down one day with Anne Morrow Lindberg's old book, "A Gift from the Sea" and felt so much better. She talks about women resenting giving of themselves so often when it seems so purposeless, and unappreciated.

You *are* beautiful, lady - that much comes through to a total stranger who only knows you through your blog. Thanks for your honesty - made me feel like I'm not the only one.

Take care of yourself, do something decadent and sweet (and maybe even a little naughty, like putting those vine clippings on your neighbor's porch in the dead of night!!).

xoxo,
jill

Nonna said...

AB - you are beautiful - in every sense of the word - inside and out! I've known you since you were born, and it has been that way since that day you were born (even tho I was only 1.5 years old - I knew it then)! That's why we've remained friends all these years, even though we don't see each other enough. That's something I want to rectify this year! Love ya! JG

Shandy said...

Amen to the comments above: you ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! It is a joy to read about your life and your ideas. The one thing I love about blogging is that it is my world and while it may reflect the roles I play, I get to choose what I talk about and process and in that way, it honors my whole self. You do that too. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. And I second the opionion of Jill: put the clippings on his porch. Sending love...

by Johanna Brandvik said...

Ahna,

I love looking at your blog because it is YOUR creation. Your thoughts. Your words. Your stories. Your photos. And it is very beautiful, whether it's about your family, an interest, or even - like this posting - pain or sadness.

I want you to know that I think you look beautiful. And your insides shine too. I love the way you dress and the way you can put a house together on a dime and make it look like a million bucks! I love the way you welcome people into your life and the way you care for others. You inspire me.

Sending love,
Johanna

Galadriel Thompson said...

Ahna, first of all here's a great big sloppy hug from me. Jill, here's one for you too. You are so brave for sharing what you did. All week long I've been writing a novel in my head about all the pain I feel but have shied away from sharing it.
I was sitting here stitching up Super Worm for Miles when I got this sudden urge to read your blog. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Ahna, I have never met you, and maybe never will but what you write and share and how you comment on my blog and other blogs calls to my heart.
You could look like an Igor or a lump of fungus and your heart would always transform the vision into something breathtaking. But the truth is, you are very beautiful. I've seen your picture, and Jill's too, and think to myself, I wish I could be that beautiful and confident. It's in your eyes and what you say that makes me know that you could never live a day without being noticed by a stranger and have inspired them to stand a little taller, hold their head a little higher, and to hug their friends.

Be brave little trooper!
With so much love and hugs! God bless.
galadriel

ahna brandvik logan said...

Thank you all for your loving and thoughtful messages. I really needed to see/read/hear from you today, and there you are. Thank you for taking a moment to wrap me in your kind words and gentle thoughts. You are wonderful women.

Death By Children said...

Muthafatha. I like it. I might use it.

kalurah said...

Ahna,
I feel this very same way on a regular basis.
I am so inspired by how you were able to just put it "out there".
I'm too often scared by what people may think if I open up this same part of my soul. the dark part. the honest part.
Motherhood is tough. I think anyone who says it's a breeze and that they LOVE it every single day is full of crap!
if mothers like THAT didn't make us feel like human flypaper, maybe we wouldn't feel so terrible for feeling tired and unloved and, as you said "empty" all the time.
I think these feelings are normal and we're just sacrificing our SELF for the sake of our family.
I love your blog and really appreciate the kindred spirit I have found here.
thanks for linking over to whiletheyplay!
*hugs*
P.S
the first thing I thought of when I saw your bio photo with your lovely girls was "She is so beautiful!"